If it doesn’t mean the end of the world, I’ll be very upset.
Yes everything you see on the news is true: There is a mysterious silver monolith that just “appeared” in the middle of the Utah desert. Last week the Utah Department of Public Safety (DPS) announced that its Aero Bureau had come across the property – which appears to be about 12 feet tall based on pictures – while a bighorn sheep census is being made in the area.
This, of course, sparked speculation about visitors from another planet, villainous eccentric artists, and doomsday prophecies. Even DPS’s own Instagram asked: “Curious people want to know what the hell is that?” And added a cheeky alien emoji to really fuel conspiracy theories.
There is no consensus or indication of where the monument came from. Although, some savvy Reddit sniffer dogs derived that it must have been placed there sometime between August 2015 and October 2016.
And while the mystery behind the monolith grips the internet, we should all try to maintain a healthy level of skepticism and, above all, utter disappointment. Whether it’s aliens or jokes, this doohickey is the last thing 2020 needs.
Monolith: 3 equally disappointing theories
From my point of view, this metal monstrosity can only be one of three things: an egomaniac, alien, or time traveler. And regardless of which of them is responsible, they should be ashamed.
An artist put it there
Let’s start with the most likely explanation: the shiny metal monolith is just a sculpture and was placed there by an artist. This is the theory that the authorities have found to be the most credible.
“I suppose it’s a new wave artist or something or someone who was great [“2001: A Space Odyssey”] Fan, ”said Bret Hutchings, who actually flew a helicopter over the monolith. said CNN.
Clap. Clap. Clap. Thank you, anonymous avant-garde! Not only is this pop-up art exhibition indecipherable, it is also illegal according to official sources. At least I would consider it garbage.
Photo credit: Utah Department of Public Safety
At first I thought someone had posted this in the middle of the desert (Utah DPS authorities did not disclose the location because they feared that someone looking for it might be lost and need a rescue) and did so recently.
That would have been annoying in itself. Heaven knows we saw enough in 2020 that literally anything but a giant chunk of metal buried 20 miles west of nowhere would be more helpful than … a giant chunk of metal anonymously buried in the desert.
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But when Redditors narrowed its appearance to 2015-2016, I realized that’s even worse. At least in 2018, when a bandit artist dragged a massive statue up a mountain in the Alps without telling anyone, everyone enjoyed it. Yes, that was a huge wooden phallus – and it aroused speculation and laughter in equal parts. Nobody owned it, but its location near a ski area and popular hiking area meant it had to be found (and enjoyed).
However, this brings no laughter, no joy, and had it not been for a government-guaranteed bighorn sheep count – years later, mind you – no one would have known! Penis statue: 1, monolith: 0.
Aliens put it there
Sure, maybe it was aliens. Perhaps an advanced civilization capable of interplanetary travel (and extremely simple forging) planted a vast rectangle in Utah.
All of humanity’s collective advances and contributions to art, technology, and communication have earned us a place as the galactic equivalent of a locker for a crappy alien wedding gift – how deeply disappointing.
Time travelers put it there
Last but not least, people from the future traveled through time to plant this thing in the here and now. Swelling! What should we do with it? And here’s a thought: why not leave us something less cryptic – something like, I don’t know, a note?
Unless of course – and this is my personal belief – that future people are so cluttered with junk and trash that the best solution we’ve come up with is to send them back in time.
And with dwindling modern protection for public land – Bear ears has already been dismantled and the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is about to be drilled clean – and the electricity Failures to begin massive conservation efforts Both parties agree to this. It makes sense that in the future we actually try to dump their overflow in one of the few non-privatized properties: our public land.
That, or it could be a final effort to actually preserve the little untouched land we still have – by leaving a mysterious object to study there. After all, nobody wants to drill the revered monolith!
I suppose that’s one to hope for. It’s not the most likely – probably the most unlikely. But at this point, in 2020, I’ll be taking a silver strip – or a shiny metal strip – wherever I can get it. Even in the middle of the desert.